I've lost more horses and other beasts of burden to swamps than all the monsters I've fought combined. It's ludicrous. When faced with a swamp of the vine dripping horror type like you see in the motivator today I prefer to leave my mount behind. I mean seriously, when you fight monsters they tend to at least leave your horse wounded so you can heal it back up again. Not swamps. They swallow those suckers whole. No save or anything. Insta mount death. No I've not been in lots of games where my horse was absorbed by a swamp, why do you ask? This is why when I'm an arcane spell caster I prefer to ride in style on an arcane disk. That however is a completely different post for a completely different time.
I had the author's name for the art but they're gone from the internet now
Into every game a little comedy must fall. Dragons rolling natural 1's and crashing into the scenery is a good start. The philosophy behind a natural 1 is intriguing. One camp of people says that a natural 1 should be cause for alarm. These sorts of people make critical fumble charts that allow the wielder of a weapon a chance to dismember or even decapitate themselves regardless of said wielder's skill level. This is what is known as gritty, realistic gaming. Because there's nothing more realistic than accidentally chopping off ones own head.
The other camp insists that the best way to use a natural 1 is to create a humorous, yet non-lethal, failure. This is where you get the search checks that have you finding your toes, spell failure that results in ballerina platypuses, and dragons face planting into turnip gardens. It may ruin the mood of your game completely, but darn is it ever fun.
Dramatic. Heroic. Fantastic. These are a few of the words people will use to describe you when they see you in your new cape of prestidigitation. You'll strike a fine heroic pose like the knightly lady we have here with her cape extending out behind her with her hair following suit. An at-will item of prestidigitation is a must have for any adventurer who wishes to truly style their image. That and an at-will item of ghost sound. After all if you can't announce your triumphant return with a fanfare you'll never get anywhere in the heroing business.
Elves are such hippies. Living in trees. Carving houses out of trees. Carving STAIRS out of trees. Curvy, flowing stairs that look like an acid trip spawned their creation. What is with elves and making everything out of wood? Homes, bowls, art, even weapons. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that elves are so obsessed with wood, given how ambiguous they are. One look at those huge shafts sticking up out of the ground, with those elvish houses perched on top and you know there's something kinky in the mind of the whole darn race. Bunch of perverts the lot of them. No wonder the drow turned out the way they did. They started with a ambiguous perverted race like elves and got even more twisted and kinky. Thank goodness thri-keen exist to keep their numbers down or their perverted plague could spread across the entire world!
If any elf fans were insulted by this post, you deserved it.
Does this really need any introduction anymore? If it does I seriously doubt your ability to pay attention. I've decided to ration the quotes a little since I nearly ran out one time this week. I had to short quote and nobody wants that. So here's not quite all of the backlog of quotes from my saturday evening game.
Klo: (( maybe me flirting with helena will make me seem more male? ))
Klo: (( either that, or you're gonna think I'm a lesbian ))
Steely Dan: (( why am I tingling and cold ))
LooneyDM: (( he hit you with cold and electric damage ))
Steely Dan: (( oh... you... bastard ))
Steely Dan: (( I KNEW IT ))
Steely Dan: (( I KNEW IT ))
Steely Dan: (( GEE WHY WOULD I RESIST COLD OR ELECTRIC THAT IS SILLY ))
Steely Dan: (( GOTTA BE FIRE OR ACID ))
Steely Dan: (( IT WAS A TRAP ))
Steely Dan: (( Clementine would you please punch Looney for me ))
Steely Dan: (( just on the shoulder is fine ))
LooneyDM: (( ouch! ))
Steely Dan: ((...))
LooneyDM: (( that wasn't my shoulder ))
Steely Dan: (( XD ))
Helena: (( Clementine's Crushing Grip ))
Steely Dan: (( awesome ))
LooneyDM: The knight swings his electrically charged sword at Klo
LooneyDM: Klo's hair stands on end and her skeleton is momentarily visible
Clementine: There are some things we are not to see... I believe that was one of them.
Atargatis: (( This attack has a side effect of physical comedy? ))
Steely Dan: (( I'm not even conscious to make a stirring last words speech ))
Steely Dan: (( my last words were "fucking horse" ))
Fire fascinates the human soul. It also burns down small tinderwood cottages as show in today's lesson (poster) on starting fires. The motivations behind a pyromancer are simple and straight forward. Burning fires are pretty, therefore lots of burning fires are even prettier. This only conflicts with the rest of the group if they're adverse to having buildings burnt down around them, peasants randomly being set on fire, and horses being scorched out from under them. Only a totally unreasonable person would fail to see the merit of the aforementioned actions. Or someone with the tiniest shred of self preservation. But this is a game, new characters are only an hour away a most so live dangerously!
Warning! This post is so very NSFW and may require brain bleach. You have been warned. Click anyways if you dare. Mr Gallant Knight appears to be a hair surprised to find this situation occurring. He was just coming to rescue the princess and it turns out she doesn't need much rescuing. Half dragons, frequently popular fantasy race. However their creation is frequently glossed over in favor of "fade to black" moments. Not any more. After all who says that the dragon has to polymorph into a human for the lovings to occur. Though dragons ability to change into humanoids raises questions like, if a dragon changes into an elf and then mates with a human, what is their offspring? I mean besides fucked up.
I haven't actually had anyone want to play a half dragon in any games I've run, but I've played with people playing Dragonborn. Which is a whole kettle of worms on its own. I mean, Dragonborn. Gee, you look like a dragon. I couldn't possibly guess you were born with some dragon in you. That and dragonborn breasts. It caused a flamewar on the official D&D forums. But that is another crazy topic for another crazy time.
Dancing Lemurs! Now that I have your attentions I would like to make a statement about introductions. I hate them. Here are quotes from my family game. This should let you know what sort of family I hail from.
DM: (( Give me a will save. )) Loperdos: (( Can I use reflex instead? )) DM: (( No. )) *Loperdos rolls: d20+1 => 3+1 = 4 Loperdos: (( Fuck. ))
*DM rolls: d20+5 swill save => 11+5 = 16
DM as Medium Abberation (sickies): BLAH BLAH BLAH GARBLE GURBLE! Druten: (( Rhymes with gerbil. )) DM: (( That's what he had for lunch. ))
Loperdos: "Since no one else has the cajones to do anything about doors..."
Loperdos: ( I take it no one else knows spanish )
Druten: ( Spanish doesn't exist in D&D )
DragonDM: ( How does the tortle have +11 to listen with no ears? )
Dice pyramid construction is a given in any RPG where you have dice sitting around. You only have to worry about your player's pyramids when they start looking like the impossible construction in today's poster. D6s don't stand for being stacked into Escheresque shapes like that in real life. I myself don't go for the dice pyramids. I much prefer to spin my dice like tops. I am entirely more amused by spinning dice than teetering dice. Except for the one time we got all the types of dice we had stacked in one pyramid. It lasted for a good while before someone knocked it down. Let's hear your dice stacking stories.
Transmuting one substance into another. Is there any problem it can't solve? While turning water into orange juice in such quantity as to flood an entire beach front with a wave of OJ isn't my first choice for transmuting, it certainly lets everyone know that the party has started. The poster above demonstrates with a sunlit wave that looks like orange juice. Now if you could mix in some beverages of the alcoholic persuasion, or just turn the whole shebang into an alcoholic beverage you'd be the life of the party. Jesus did it and look where he ended up. ...Okay, not a good example. Though if he had stuck to changing water into wine he could have avoided that whole messy crucifixion death bit. Anyways, let's here your crucifixion stories. No wait. Transmutation stories. I'll ask for the crucifixion stories another time.