Colossal Constructs

Gather Information (Of the fail variety)

RIP Neil Armstrong.  You'd like to think that your players would rise to the challenge of a momentous occasion.  Of course that's when the dice come out full force in "screw you I'm only rolling 1's today".  The fails roll in and all you can do is grit your teeth and laugh through the silliness.  But really, shame on nbc for getting the name wrong.  I know Neil Young is influential in music and all but we're talking about the first human from our planet to walk on another celestial body.  Do a little proofreading for goodness sake! 

Art from a very obvious location but screenshotted as they'll likely fix it by the time you see this.
LooneyDM out

Colossal

Large monsters get no respect.  At least not in fantasy games.  In modern settings there a little bit of a big deal.  Especially when they're the only one and all you have are little tanks and planes whose weaponry can't penetrate its hide.  You know, unlike those magic swords that the fantasy heroes have.  Sadly the Colossal size category went away in 4e D&D but who knows, it might be back next go around.

Art from here
LooneyDM out

Coward

I'm sure it has been done before.  I'm sure it has been done well before.  That still doesn't make it acceptable to take the coward flaw on a barbarian.  Or any other similar flaw or trait for that matter.  It simply should not be done. 

Art from here
LooneyDM out

Lucky

Near misses and other hijinks.  All of these can be yours for the price of one trait!  I've always wanted to play a luck based character but I've not run into a system that can adequately model what I want to do.  Rerolls are nice, added bonuses are nice, but it just doesn't create that intangible feeling of having a character who is lucky.  Unless you go by the astronomer definition of lucky.  ie, if you weren't lucky then it would have been something even worse happening.

LooneyDM out.

Flaw: Mute

Of course when the lead character in a single player game has the mute flaw it's different from when a player in a multi character game has it.  That said I do have a few players that I would trust with playing a mute character.  And then there are some I would inflict a silence curse on just because the results would be too hilarious. 
Apparently GenCon is this weekend.  Obviously I'm not going but its been blowing up my twitter feed with pictures and news.  Oh well, you can all be jealous when ever I get to my next con.

Art from GIS for "Link"
LooneyDM out

Absent Player

It's been a while since I've brought in quotes from my real life game.  Mostly because I have to transcribe them from the notebook where I record them.  Have a heaping helping of them.

LooneyDM out

Tor:  Fists of Flurry.

Looney:  It gives the enemy a brain freeze.

Bones:  Let me guess.  It goes splody and the acid goes up our noses.

Gareth:  This room is probably safer.

Thalia:  But this room is stinky.

DM:  You have to spend the next 8 hours praying to your gods to bring Tor back and 8 hours to heal him.

Looney(halfing storm sorcerer):  While I defibrillate.

Curd(minotaur):  And I perform CPR.

Curd(minotaur):  Let the cow end it.

Thalia:  It would be a mooving ending.

DM: Tor

Curd:  Tor it up man.

Curd:  Huzzah

Looney:  That's what I was waiting for

Gareth: Charge Curd

Curd charges and misses, again

DM:  The armor on the stand changes from junk to something else.

Gareth:  +1 junk

Tor:  I fist the skeleton

DM:  There are silver and platinum dragon statues.

Curd:  I peel the foil off and eat the chocolate.

DM: Curd, I mean Turd's turn.

Thalia:  Where's the beef?

Curd(minotaur):  In the back!

Curd:  Come on goring charge.  I hit!  I'm surprised!

Gareth:  So are we.

Thalia:  I move next to the cow and hope I'm not downwind.

Gareth:  I say...

Curd:  Monkeys.

Gareth:  I do say that a lot.

Curd:  I use wild shape.

Looney:  Wild shit?

Curd:  That would stink.

Curd:  The statue now grants combat advantage.

Gareth:  We need it.

Thalia:  I hate choosing feats.

Curd:  Me too, I can never choose left or right.

Thalia:  That's a lot of blood.  How many anime characters did they kill?

Bones:  Vampires. (To Curd) We need you to turn into a celestial dentist.

Curd:  What are you going to do when they come for you.  Portal hands, Portal hands (Last fight of keep on the shadowfell)

Gareth:  Unless Orcus comes through we're fine.

Curd:  If his big toe comes through, we're screwed.

Gareth:  His vorpal toe nail decapitates the entire party.

Talon:  Surrender and die!

DM:  He's in a pickle.

Thistle:  Looks more like a sammich.

DM:  This is definitely the armory.  20 spears, 30 glaives, 2 barrels of brandy.

Gerta:  And a partridge in a pear tree.

Looney:  I flail with my flail.

Gerta:  I have this image of the half-orc waking up with curlers and a sleep mask.

DM:  He continues his hooting.

Talon:  Hootie and the blowfish.

Talon:  I throw a body in the water.

DM:  Another claw drags the body under.

Thistle:  This is fun.  Throw another one in.

Thistle(Ranger):  The ranger tells you there is a 90% chance of raining monsters.

DM:  It's the most deatherous.

Talon:  Dwarves are the klansmen of D&D.

Looney:  Defenstrate!

DM:  You slice through his spine.

Looney:  Quick, prop him back up and have him tell the other guards that everything is fine.

Osix:  Can I disable the ballista?

Gerta:  Just cut the string!

DM:  He runs away and you hear a splash.

All:  *looks into the room*

DM:  It's the toilet.  40 foot down to the cesspool.

All: Ewww

Thistle:  he was looking a little flushed.

DM:  Are you shooting at the one on the left or the right?

Osix:  Yes.

DM:  You hit him and he goes down the toilet.

Thistle:  I'll draw a little barn since he's stable.

Looney:  Are there more monkeys?

DM:  No those are ninjas.

Thistle:  Does Gerta want to grab my sword as she goes down.

Osix:  That sounds kinky.

Thistle:  We're so cautious now.

Gerta:  Dying will do that to you.

Bartox:  I smash the door open quietly.  I use a pillow.

DM:  You find a small locked chest.

Osix:  I search it for traps.

DM:  You find none.

Osix:  Is it locked?

Talon:  What was that on the floor?

Thistle:  Besides his head.

Talon:  I use my superior intellect to figure it out.

DM:  This is first edition, your superior intellect isn't going to do squat.

DM:  The plate mail is for a 7 foot tall guy.  It probably won't fit.

Thistle:  We have a blacksmith.  He can hem it.

Looney:  The ranger has traded her dog for a wild boar.  This is an upgrade because if it dies it can be lunch.

Looney:  I use a mirror to reflect the lightning bolt.

DM: That won't work.

Osix:  What if it was a rubber mirror

Osix:  We almost killed a slanty eyed lady

DM: You racist bastard

Osix: Werebear

Thistle: As opposed to a carebear

DM: You take 10 points of frost damage.

Thistle:  Do you like my frosted tips?

*laughter*

Thistle: You're all dirty.

Osix:  My name used to be Evil Elf Woman

Bartox:  Can I bullrush the minotaur?

Looney: Giant Dwarf

Osix:  The pit trap is secure. *walks forward and falls into it*

Talon:  I laugh uncontrollably.

Osix:  I'm a slowed salty snack right now

Talon:  I throw darts as our sled arrives.  Drive by shooting.

DM: Who's female?

Osix: *returns to gaming table* "I rolled a 20 on that"

Looney:  On your poo check?

Gerta:  I am not goosing the dwarf

Thistle: 9

DM: Nien

Looney:  Are gnolls people?

DM:  The floor is made of sand.

Gerta:  If anyone needs to use the litterbox, now is the time.

Talon (wizard): I'm going to keep it and call it Bob

DM:  3 tentacles lash out at Gerta and 3 tentacles lash out at Buttocks (Bartox)

Players: Roll low!

DM: *Rolls dice into his coffee mug*  Oh it's a 1.

DM:  Thistle's up

Osix: Thistle's hurt

Osix:  I have a short longsword