Critical fumble tables

I am not a fan of critical fumble tables.  Not at all.  A wise man once said this about critical fumble tables.
"Take ten 1st level warriors, in melee with 10 straw dummies (medium inanimate objects, AC5).
The warriors make their 1 attack per round, for 2 minutes (20 rounds); the dummies make no attacks during this time. If, after 2 minutes of battering straw dummies, any of the warriors are dead or dying then the GM must butter his fumble rules and eat them."  This wise man was not me.  It was a poster on the Order of the Stick forums

Quotes from my saturday evening game:

Pliny: (( I am totally being carried. Why walk when I can ride? ))

Iki: (( can I take the queen's head? ))
LooneyGM: (( if you want ))
Iki: (( woo! ))
Iki: (( I will show it to the people when we return. ))
Haruhi: (( that's our bloodthirsty iki ))
Iki: (( and then hang it over the dining room table. ))
Iki: (( I think there's space over the mantel still... ))
Pliny: (( You only get to do that if you contact a taxidermist! Or the magical equivalent ))
Pliny: (( I'm putting my hoof down on this, I don't want bug dripping on the table! ))

LooneyGM: (( everything is sandwiches with haruhi, isn't it? ))
Haruhi: (( yes. yes it is. ))

I'kishaeila: "...I'm torn on whether i want them having fun killing monsters without us."
I'kishaeila: "And if something... AWFUL... should befall Tellas... I want to be there to laugh."

I'kishaeila: I GAVE YOU LIFE, AND I MEANT FOR YOU TO BE A CAKE.
* I'kishaeila smacks the cake with the spoon as hard as s he can.
Pliny: (( The cake says: You're not my REAL Mom! ))

Pliny: "I really want to know what to blue robed man is up to."
Haruhi: (( Turns out he's Gilderoy Lockhart ))

Boddywynn: (( lol, what did she put in it? ))
Pliny: (( Catnip, and apparently lightning ))

Pliny: (( Damage resist in the hoooouse ))
Pliny: (( Yeah that was awful. I won't say that again. ))

Haruhi: (( all I did was kill your buddy, why all this hostility? ))

Pliny: (( Best friends forever damage! ))

Iki: (( ... he SNEEZED on me? ))
LooneyGM: (( no, it comes out of his arm ))
Iki: (( who sneezes out of their ARM? ))

Haruhi: "I don't know if I want to fly through yellow fog"
Haruhi: "best case scenario it smells awful. Worst case scenario we die."

Haruhi: "I want healzors."
* Haruhi stares at Pliny until he gives healzors
Haruhi: O_O

*Pliny inquires if anyone would like traveling music
*Pliny starts singing traveling music before anyone can object

Haruhi: (( lol massive cleavage ))
Haruhi: (( you really BUST 'em up with that ))

* I'kishaeila punches the DM.
I'kishaeila: 1 more xp!
LooneyDM: (( no, no xp for punching the DM ))
I'kishaeila: (( he has XPs ))
LooneyDM: (( I am not an xp pinata ))

* I'kishaeila CHOPS OFF THE TOP.
I'kishaeila: (( it has a short stack now! ))

Boddiwyn: (( as long as we dont get lost, tally ho! ))

Iki: (( if I find out I've gelded the tower... ))
Iki: (( I will feel awkward. yes. Definitely awkward. ))

Pliny: (( Ha ha, we left them with instructions to keep things tidy. We're gonna come back and find a rug in the middle of the room, draped over a huge pile of junk that they tried to sweep under it ))

Rush: "Is I'kishaelia alright?"
Boddiwyn: "She hasnt started screaming yet, so I assume so."

LooneyDM out