Flesh to Stone

Killing your enemies is so bland. You can do so much better than a few fatal flesh wounds. Which is why the flesh to stone spell was invented. Much like freezing your enemies in carbonite you can have a pleasant reminder of your defeated enemies without the mess of a skeletal decaying trophy. It has the added benefit of allowing pigeons to crap on their heads like the poor statue is experiencing in the motivator for today. Or you could chip little bits off and glue them back on in other places. Your enemies will look incredibly classy with their nose attached to their ass or their head stuck between their knees.

I sadly haven't had a chance to use flesh to stone on my enemies, or even my players yet. Thus I lack amusing anecdotes about its usage. I leave that as an exercise for the reader.

Art from here

LooneyDM *out*

Dragon Slayers

When you think of a dragon slayer you usually think of a knight in shining armor. Not a guy flying a propeller plane. My how the times have changed. Mr Sleepyhead Dragon woke up just in time for World War II and now he's pissed. Thankfully the air force (I'm not a military buff so I have no idea who these planes belong to) is here to stop him from causing too much trouble. Provided he doesn't chomp them into tiny metallic bits in short order. This is mere proof of the fact that dropping most any fantasy monster into a modern campaign shifts the genre from modern to monster movie rather than fantasy.

There are days I want to run a fantasy-modern mash up game. The players occupation would vary on the time period and who employed them. Special ops employed by the government to keep the "weirds" or "storybooks" in check or being the "storybooks" themselves trying to survive in a hostile world that doesn't want them around. Either way lots of fun to be had. Then I realize I've got two games running already and don't have time to run any more games. Nor could a run in lighter systems as the player pools available pretty much know D&D and only D&D with a smattering of exceptions. Back to the looney cave for more plotting!

LooneyDM *out*

Lazy Wednesday quote post

Lazy! Lazy!

Quotes:

Clementine: HELLO? YOU IN THERE?

* Clementine waves.

Clementine: Why'd you go and cast a fog spell, anyway?

Atargatis: "...Thank you Clem. We can always count on your diplomacy."

Clementine: No problem, deary.

Helena: "It's just a fog cloud spell. Should wear out eventually, but I don't have any wind spells..."

* Steely Dan farts in fog's general direction

Atargatis: (( YES! I win the universe! ))

Steely Dan: (( what do you mean, what am I doing with the spear? ))

Helena: (( it's an extradimensional spear ))

VortDM: (( the axe and spear are both two handed weapons. ie you need to drop the spear or similar ))

Helena: (( it resides OUTSIDE OF SPACETIME ))

Steely Dan: (( technically I have four of them anyway ))

Steely Dan: (( shoved into my Kilt Of Holding ))

Helena: (( straight up his bum ))

Helena: (( « 4d6 = 16 » fire ref half 19 dwolf 1 ))

* LooneyDM rolls: 1d20+7 => 16 + 7 = 23 reflex

Helena: (( done ))

Helena: (( and fuck your saving throws, what the shit XD ))

Steely Dan: (( why do those guys have sith force lightning ))

* Helena directs soaring acorn and steely dan to her sleeves.

* Steely Dan grabs a sleeve

Steely Dan: um. what're we doin'?

Helena: "..."

Blacky: (( Then she bursts into flame and incinerates the pair. ))

Steely Dan: (( that's what I get for listening to a crazy mage ))

Clementine: (( someone should fart the fog away. ))

* Steely Dan farts

Clementine: (( I have not the inner fortitude to blow it away. ))

* Steely Dan rolls: 1d20+12 fart fortitude => 15 + 12 = 27

Steely Dan: (( is that good enough? ))

VortDM: (( you need an actual wind spell to clear the fog ))

Steely Dan: (( bah ))

LooneyDM: (( sadly your ass is not magical enough Steely ))

Steely Dan: (( MY ASS IS TOTALLY MAGICAL ))

Helena: (( fuck conditions ))

Helena: (( SHE'S USING CONDITIONER ))

* Atargatis rolls: 1d6 => 1

Helena: (( ... ))

Atargatis: (( I win the universe! ))

Steely Dan: (( next game I am keeping a spreadsheet of my rolls ))

Steely Dan: (( I will plot them and make a graph that will prove dicekhan is evil ))

LooneyDM: (( he's on his very last legs ))

Clementine: (( he's only got two... ))

Steely Dan: (( FINISH HIM ))

Nelven: (( steely! kill him with your beer breath! ))

LooneyDM out

Energy Substitution

This post brought to you by the insanity of 3.5 D&D. Which I love to bits, in many ways for crazy shit like this. Take one energy substitution feat, add a fireball, stir and a short time later: Tada! The Coldball. Or Iceball. Or better yet, the Acidball. Acidball isn't quite as brain twitchy as a fireball doing cold damage. It simply makes your brain short out. Much like you were hit by a fireball that does cold damage. The nonsensical contradictory nature of the result of the rules makes me happy. More so when I get to explain it to someone to see the look on their face.

Art from GIS for fireworks

LooneyDM *out*

Halitosis (Dragon Breath)

There's only one feasible explanation for draconic breath weapons. Halitosis. Really bad halitosis. Our friendly neighborhood knight and his flying mount found that out the hard way in today's poster. The breath weapon doesn't quite appear to be the acid that black dragons should have what with all the red there. But it's still a good illustration of what happens when you don't brush your teeth for several centuries. That's a good concept for a comedic game. Now if I only had a comedy game.

Unpostered art from here

LooneyDM *goes to brush his teeth*

Lazy quote post

Yes. Lazy.

Vimac: Bravery on his part means staying on the ship

DM: That's because you're a nice person and Vimac is the resident asshole

Goldielocks: I take pride in being bloodied at all times.

Tirah: We know.

DM: The soldiers charge.

Tirah (To DM who was getting up for more food): Can they open the curtains while they're up?

Cecilia: You're not allowed to talk while I'm eating.

Cecilia: It's easy to defeat goldielocks, just change his hair care routine.

Vimac: He got the short end of the gnome.

Looney: What did Tirah get for her wedding anniversary?

Cecilia: Damage

(The joys of being married to the DM. Tirah, that is)

DM: There is no dog.

Goldielocks: The dog is a lie.

Goldielocks: I never fall down twice in combat.

DM: Three times.

Looney: A lady.

Tirah: Red is #1 *rolls a 1*

Everyone: Yes it is.

Goldielocks (singing): I've got something in my pocket for you.

Vimac: It's a gnome. Want to see?

Goldielocks: Coup de gnaw

Tirah: Did he attack in third person?

DM: Yes

DM: There's a dinghy in the water.

Vimac: Tell goldielocks to get out of the water.

Cecilia: If anyone could fall overboard in their sleep it would be you (goldielocks)

DM: The zombie dodges.

Attapacca: Cookies are written in fire.

Attapacca: I got first kill, neener, neener, neener.

Tirah: You feel smarter for 1d10 minutes.

Goldielocks: Oh good I need that.

DM: The zombies are tending the garden.

Goldielocks: They have their little flower hats and everything.

Vimac: It's time for a little Vimac diplomacy.

Tirah: What's your diplomacy

Vimac: A +2 greataxe.

DM: What are you talking about you bald-headed stone man.

DM: You're not just here for treasure hunting?

Goldielocks: I'm sure the pirates will have lots of *arr* booty.

Goldielocks: Sweet, I got a 19 on sparkles.

Looney: I'm sure they'll think we're easy targets when they see us charging across the water on horseback.

Vimac: Ocean cowboy!

(phantom steed ritual ftw!)

Tirah: An arcane check of 40 lets the horses fly.

(And thus was born greyhawk's first aircraft carrier)

Attapacca (on the linked portal ritual): Stargate, greyhawk style.

Goldielocks: I'll break through the roof.

Attapacca: Not the flaming one.

DM: That would be cool, a flaming elf breaking through the ceiling.

Looney: He's already flaming.

Tirah: Flaming water elf.

Looney: Vimac is slowly turning into a romantic dinner.

Tirah: And nothing says romantic dinner like a pearl nose ring.

LooneyDM out

Potions (and identifying them)

Would you drink from any of the pictured delightfully glowing bottles of unlabelled substances? Identifying potions by taste test really puts the adventure in adventurer. Doubly so if you get a description worthy of the rainbow-tastic brew of potions you available in today's motivator. Best to have the dwarf go first. They've got all sorts of crazy drinking related immunities. Or the elf, since they're expendable. Or the halfling, as revenge for stealing your shinies.

Original unpostered art from http://www.digitalblasphemy.com/

LooneyDM *drinks*

Castle

A man's home is his castle. In some cases, a man's castle is his castle. In those cases he's allowed to color whatever color he wants. Including yellow, red, and blue like the castle in today's poster. D&D hasn't had castle building for a few editions now which is a crying shame. The party will really feel at home if they have their own base of operations. A few mechanical benefits will tend to seal the deal on any base you give them. ie protection circles, extra rest benefits, etc. It has side benefits for you as a GM. The party has a central location that adversaries can discover. Said adversaries can attack the base while the party is away to make any feuds they have exceptionally personal without damaging any of the party themselves. The party has a fun little fort for when the bad guys come calling. The list goes on and on.

Unpostered art here

LooneyDM out

Quote Wednesday 2

Every now and again I ask myself "Why am I doing this?" "Why do I keep creating worlds and encounters and stories and all of it?". Then my players do or say something completely unexpected and I stop asking questions. At least those questions. Then I start asking "Why did I let them have that item?" "Are they going to blow through my meticulously crafted encounter in 2 rounds?" "Why did I let them adopt the ninja squirrel?" On to the quotes!

* Mallexantus extends chains from Heikon to kill the last visible living one.

Onotole: (( Funny because it's in Onotole's mouth right now. ))

Onotole: "Mmph mumble mumble pthbbt."

Mallexantus: (( consider it dental floss. 35ft long, jagged, barbed metal dental floss. ))

Mallexantus: "There are few problems in life that can't be solved with two chains, on fire, flung with all yor might at the enemy."

Onotole: "Such as getting out of a Wizard's tower."

* Mallexantus bristles slightly, but doesn't have a witty rejoinder for that.

Onotole: (( Channeling a swift kick in the shins. ))

Mallexantus: (( Lillend, no feet. ))

Onotole: (( air elementals have shins? ))

Mallexantus: (( so we're attacking them in a body part they don't have with a body part we don't have? ))

Xochitl holds up a WAND.

Moastuo: "Ooooo, a stick!"

* Mallexantus holds aloft a short metallic rod capped on both ends with blue stones just seconds before losing interest in the task.

Moastuo: "Make that TWO sticks!"

Mallexantus: "Okay then. What is it?"

Helena: (( magic vibrator ))

Helena occasionally spectates this game.

Xochitl: "Ooo."

Helena: (( stick of Ooo. ))

* Xochitl whacks herself with the Ooo stick.

Xochitl: "This way if you annoy me, I can hit you and not betray my alignment."

Mallexantus: "Just so long as you're taking pleasure from hitting people out of spite."

Soban (Hybrid Form): "Awesome, we can hit people to heal them. Can we continue on now?"

Mallexantus: (( so, come in peace or shoot to kill? ))

Moastuo: (( yes ))

Heikon: (( Sorry for the delay. A friend wanted me to teach him how to write lesbian erotica. ))

LooneyDM: (( WHAT? ))

It all went downhill from there.

LooneyDM: (( you'll like what's coming a little further down ))

Onotole: (( Is it cookies ))

LooneyDM: (( not quite ))

Onotole: (( Oh crap cookie golems ))

Mallexantus: (( Dough elementals? ))

Helena: (( brownies? *giggle ))

LooneyDM: (( nope ghost can't smeen ))

LooneyDM: (( smell ))

Helena: (( GHOST NOT SMEEN ))

Mallexantus: (( no-one can smeen. ))

* Onotole can smeen.

Helena: (( I have Improved Smeening ))

Mallexantus: (( that was close, and close is good. ))

Moastuo: (( whaddya mean close, I only took three damage? ))

Soban (Hybrid Form): (( Hey Moastuo, you want to trade Damage? ))

Soban took ~90 damage that fight

Mallexantus: (( wasn't sure if the hail mary flank and fireball would work or leave Mal gangtentacled. ))

Moastuo: (( magic stones of breast enhancement. ))

Moastuo: (( tape them to your chest, BAM, larger breasts ))

LooneyDM whisper to Xochitl: give me a will save

LooneyDM whisper to Mallexantus: give me a will save

Xochitl: « 1d20+6 = 3 + 6 = 9 »

Mallexantus: « 1d20+6 = 3 + 6 = 9 »

Mallexantus: (( jinx? ))

Moastuo: (( and thus our healer and reachmonkey were dominated by forces unknown. ))

Onotole: " Great, the boob-stones have taken over their minds."

Xochitl: « 1d20+1 = 10 + 1 = 11 »

Xochitl: ((I AM SO STEALTHY))

Scoring the only player crit of the evening, Moastuo shoots Heikon

Heikon: "... My canopy!"

LooneyDM: Moastuo imbeds an arrow in heikon

Moastuo: "Quit covering the thing with it, then!"

LooneyDM out

Late

Ever had that little niggling voice in the back of your head that tells you to make your players too late to stop the BBEG's final ritual? I know I have. Much like the poster indicates. I also feel that it gives you a chance to practice describing epic pyrotechnics as well. I've yet to pull this on my players. I'm considering it could be a wonderful lead in to a new campaign, depending on their success or failure against whatever it is that the ritual does. After all if you end a campaign with a tpk, you can start the next one 200 years later with the players being part of the revolution against the BBEG. You never know how long demonic forces are going to stick around, and there's always a chance that if you don't keep them appeased they may just drop you entirely from their party invite list. It would be so like the pesky heroes to interrupt the ritual sacrifice and cause your previously friendly demonic allies to turn on you at the most inopportune time.

Art from GIS for ritual

LooneyDM out

Reflex (Defenses and Saves)

Reflex defense, reflex save. Mechanically nearly identical. The only variation being who's rolling the dice. That and evasion being much more available in slightly earlier editions of D&D for avoiding those pesky dragon breath weapons. You can see a wonderful example of a dragon breath weapon in the above poster. I've used a few dragons against my players in my time as a GM. The most memorable fight didn't have the dragon using its breath weapon much at all. This was due to the players engaging it from the backs of hippogriffs. They were suitable cowed when it first showed up over the town they had made their home base. Fortunately not cowed so far as to run screaming for the hills. Two of them nearly died in the fight and a grand time was had by all. Except the townsfolk who had their houses crushed by the falling body of the deceased dragon, but that was inconsequential.

unpostered art from GIS for "dragon breath"

LooneyDM out

Quote Wednesday

Quoting quotable quotes of quintessence. Alliteration is lots of fun. My players discovered the joys of this recently and have had no end of fun with it. I now throw open the metaphorical curtains on the main attraction, the quotes!

Steely Dan: (( soaring acorn needs initiative too ))

Blacky: (( Good old floating pecan. ))

Helena: (( hovering hazelnut ))

Clementine: (( flaming nuts? ))

Steely Dan: (( airborne walnut ))

Helena: (( aviating almond ))

* Soaring Acorn scuttles forward

* Blacky watches Crushing Cashew

Helena: (( marvelous marzipan ))

Steely Dan: (( pummeling pistachio? ))

Helena: (( perspicacious peanut ))

Atargatis: (( Plummeting Pistachio might be better ))

Clementine: (( my puns are a shell of their nutty selves. ))

Steely Dan: (( Plummeting Pistachio is Soaring Acorn's dorky younger brother ))

Blacky: Good idea Helena, the golems will make short work of those bugbears.

* Blacky rolls: d120+1 bluff => 83 + 1 = 84

* Blacky rolls: 1d20+1 bluff => 1 + 1 = 2

LooneyDM: (( bluff fail ))

Blacky: (( Can I keep the first roll? ))

Blacky: (( Man...who started this fight anyway. ))

Helena: (( ... ))

Clementine: (( ... ))

Steely Dan: (( har de har har ))

Nelven: (( you did? ))

Clementine: (( I know who I'm throwing into the darkness next. ))

LooneyDM: (( He's got absolutely no juice left, do you want him to recover his juice? ))

Steely Dan: (( if he's out of juice, then yeah. recover it. ))

Atargatis: (( Apple or orange? ))

LooneyDM: As you all sleep you see visions of deserts flying past you.

Blacky: Mmmmm...dessert

Atargatis: (( Oh good. What will it be this time? More angry scorpions? ))

Atargatis: "I just want to make it clear to you (Blacky) - the point of intel is to see where the enemies are ahead of time, yes? So that we can set up our attacks to get an advantage over them."

Atargatis: "NOT to get a potshot off at them before the rest of us are halfway in range!"

LooneyDM: (( you're all spread out ))

Steely Dan: (( yes we are ))

LooneyDM: (( excellent ))

Nelven: (( uh oh ))

Steely Dan: (( *glares at looney* ))

* Atargatis rolls: 1d20+5 reflex! => 4 + 5 = 9

* Clementine rolls: 1d20+3 go old woman, gooooo! => 6 + 3 = 9

Atargatis: (( Dangit, I have the reflexes of an old lady! ))

LooneyDM out

Hating the Dice

My players have a hate-hate relationship with the automated dice roller we use for our online gaming. Originally named dicebot, it's name was later changed to dicechan. My players have referred to said dice roller bot by such names as dicekhan and dickchan. This is when they're being charitable. Dicechan takes the abuse without word and tends to give back in kind. Hence the poster today about rolling lots of ones. Which doesn't seem to affect me when I'm DMing. At least not a whole lot. With as many ones as dicechan gives out to the players it makes them ecstatic when they roll crits.

Original unpostered art here

LooneyDM *rolls dice*